My Arm Almost Got Me Killed

Sorry this post is late. Mum and Momma, please stop messaging. I’m alive. But your concern is warranted, because I’ve been comatose all weekend.

On Friday, after I published my story on VersePress, I docked onto the verse’s craziest space station, known by humans as Zandrabak. It’s as big as a small city on Earth, and they call it everything from “the capitol of interstellar pit stops” to “The Silk Road of the century.” I’ve wanted to see this place since I was a kid, check the cool alien tech for sale and see aliens I’d never seen before.

But we had to save tourism for another day. Zeux doesn’t want any delays on our trip to her home world, she wants to get there sooner than ASAP. We just needed to stop, grab supplies, then boot. But instead, a few… unexpected things happened.

Maybe I’m just a spoiled brat raised on all the wrong sci-fi shows, but… I expected there to be more of a… human presence in the universe. I mean, on Star Trek, Star Wars, even on Doctor Who, every other person is a human. There’s over 8,000 beings on this “heavily diverse” station at one time, and I figured a good 2,000 of those beings would be human.

I was the only one.

Let me repeat this: I was the only human on Zandrabak.

You’ve got weird bugs climbing on the ceiling, some skinny green plant-looking thing, midget gnomes with six arms, giant elephant people with wings—most aliens aren’t even humanoid. I thought aliens were mostly like the aliens that immigrated to Earth, that they’d at least have a similar facial structure, but no. Everyone’s so different.

Life is much more swert than television.

But once I got over the awe of it all, I started feeling awkward. I was the only human there. Sure, Hogarth was hiding back on The Escape, but… I felt sore as a thumb, or however that expression goes. People would stop and stare at me. Some even sniggered. Well, I think they did. This guy had tentacle-ly things coming out of his nose when he “sniggered,” so who knows.

Anyway, Zeux and I split up so we can buy up supplies faster. I’m going to grab some more packets for the autofood, when I see this really nice alien pot. My allapp translated all the alien gibberish on the ad (I think the language is called Mazo, it’s as popular to the universe as English is to Earth) so I learned about all the cool features the pot had. I’m thinking that I owe Zeux a pot already, and this was on SALE SALE SALE, so I grab it up and try to buy it before Zeux can find me again.

Here’s the thing; there still isn’t a universal allapp that can apply to every machine. My allapp’s got my credit information, but I couldn’t buy it where I saw it. I had to stand in line like a gizmo in the 21^st century. And when I stood in line, I stood with other “lower-class” aliens that didn’t know Mazo or have Mazo tech. (Stupid Mazo.)

Standing right in front of me in line is this huge Lallik. They’re a little humanoid, they’re basically apes with four legs. This Lallik’s hand was as big as my face, and they had big black eyes like a beetle. They smelled funny, but other than that I wasn’t bothered by them, and they weren’t bothered by me.

And then my arm started clicking.

It’s been doing that a lot lately. I’ve been meaning to have it checked out, to make sure it’s not about to break. My arm is always humming softly, with all the gears that must be churning inside, but this was like, “hummm—CLICK!—hummm—CLICK!—hummm—CLICK!” oh mans was it annoying.

It annoyed the Lallik.

Apparently Lalliks find it to be offensive to not immediately apologize for things beyond your control. They also find it offensive when you apologize after they’ve pointed out your mistake. I did my best, “Sir, I have respect for your culture, I just don’t know it” speech, and wound up making the universal offense of not realizing the Lallik was female.

She flatted me with her fist.

So I’ve been staying on Zandrabak in recovery. I’m almost out, seeing how I can stay awake long enough to use my allapp. I’m okay, no terminal or lasting harm. I’m still in one piece. Well, at least, I haven’t lost any new arms.

If anyone knows of a good common alien culture’s guide on the webs, please direct me to it before I get myself killed.